Ask Firangi Bahu: "My husband's parents and sister are taking advantage of us financially..."

(Img via Wil Stewart)

Sharing a letter from a reader....

"I have a question. I married my Indian husband in a U.S. wedding, but we had a wedding party in India. Our in-laws arranged the party to "introduce" us to the rest of the family. It was a large dinner, and in the end my husband paid for it as he did not want to burden his parents. Most of the guests said about 7 words to me, ate dinner, and left. A number of guests gave me gifts and/or envelopes (which I assumed contained money). I put the envelopes and gifts on a chair, unsure of whether it was polite to open in front of guests. At some point my mother-in-law moved the gifts and put the envelopes in her purse. After the guests were gone, she opened them and appeared to be counting whatever was in them. I never saw them again. 

We've since returned to the U.S., but I found it very strange that the party they hosted for us was paid by us and that gifts given to us and handed to me were taken. I wanted to thank those who gave gifts, but feel weird thanking them for giving gifts to my mother-in-law, and I don't even know what was gifted in the cases of the money. Ultimately, only two gifts were passed to me - a set of sheets and a plate. The rest disappeared. 

I asked my husband about it, and he brushed it off, saying the total given was only 4,000 rupees (about $60 U.S. dollars). I found that odd because that would mean that most guests (almost all doctors) gave only $10 USD or less. The whole thing makes me uncomfortable and suspicious of my mother-in-law. I would never dream of taking anything that someone gifted to her or my sister-in-laws, etc. Had the gifts been for her, should they have not handed them directly to her? Was I wrong to accept them in the first place? I feel like she should have at least explained what was happening - and now I am not sure I trust her. My father-in-law even said during the party that now I had some money to spend on my trip, I'm not sure if he knows his wife took whatever was given. It's not worth ruining our relationship, but it bothers me. I'd never take anything that belonged to anyone else, nor would anyone in my family. We paid for the party, so it's not like she needed compensation. 

My husband is very generous to his parents and sisters and they keep expecting more - I find it very creepy. He paid $10,000 USD for the down payment on his sister's second house even though they earn $3,500 USD per month (and live in India in a house they inherited so no payments). She is married, in her 50's, and has grown kids of her own. She is married and her and her husband are both professors. He also paid $5,000 USD for his niece's crazy expensive wedding, $10,000 USD for the same niece's tuition to graduate school (even though her parents are well off in Indian terms, live in a large 5-bedroom 5 bathroom house inherited from father in law; and she has two working parents; and she is also married). 

Each time he goes to India his parents expect him to wire $6,000 USD, $2,000 USD of which the father keeps and then the father withdraws $1,000 USD in rupees to pass as gifts to daughters and nieces. And now they've called saying the father needs a new car and expecting us to pay for it, although the parents live in a 4 bedroom 4 bath home and have a good income. They say it is because we earn in U.S. dollars, but we also pay our bills in US dollars and we have a mortgage which none of them have to pay. It's all new and bizarre to me - I think they think we are just rolling in money and can give it away like it was candy. We want to pay off our home and put money away for our retirement and we are still paying our kid's tuition in college, etc. I don't understand why they ask so much of him, or why she would take the wedding gifts. Is this some kind of dowry or what?

I just don't get why his family thinks he is still responsible for his sisters and even his niece when they are all adults, married, working, earning good salaries, and living in paid off houses. One sister has two houses paid off and we have zero houses paid off. Both sisters and niece live in houses inherited from deceased father-in-laws. And his parents home is paid off and my husband paid to add a level to their home which they rent out and collect the income from that, in addition to large pensions and the money my husband sends. I feel like we have our own kids to pay college and weddings for and we need a home and retirement security etc - which his parents and sisters already have - yet they keep taking-taking-taking. He loaned one sister $5,000 USD and she never paid him back. When he wanted to confront her his father told him not to, so he didn't. We just can't afford to give his family $10,000 - $20,000 a year, and they don't need it. And personally if a gift is meant for the mother in law, I'd rather the giver hand it straight to her and not to me, because then I have the obligation to the giver to return the favor, thank them, etc. and it's awkward. What if they ask me what I bought with the money? What do I say?"

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Dear readers, what would you do if you were in her shoes?

Have you ever been in a similar situation?

Do you find that when you live abroad, relatives think you're rolling in money?

What boundaries need to be set going forward? 

When does one draw the line between generosity to one's family, and taking care of yourself financially first?

Celebrating Ugadi

(Maya's first Ugadi)

Since my in-law's moved in with us last year, it's been great to celebrate more of the festivals first-hand and also have more of a heavy presence of Hinduism in our lives. We have made a little pooja corner in the North-east portion of our home, to which my in-law's have added all of their idols to ours. Every morning, my mother-in-law does a small pooja and lights the diya's, incense, and gives an offering of fruit to the Gods. Not only does it add a beautiful smell to our home in the morning, but it adds a little more tradition to our home. Maya often participates in the pooja's and loves looking at all the Gods in the morning. I love waking up to it as it gives off a really nice energy to seize the day ahead.

We usually celebrate Tamil festivals predominantly, so it was lovely to celebrate the Telugu festival of Ugadi last week. While my father-in-law is Tamil, my mother-in-law is a Telugu lady from Guntur. When she married my father-in-law, she also married into a completely different culture, and had to learn not only a different language, but also a new set of festivals and customs. With her living here, it has been wonderful to learn more about the Telugu festivals from her culture. I have never celebrated Ugadi before, so it was really interesting to learn about it. (Note: it is also celebrated in Karnataka as well).

So, how did we celebrate it this year?

First, Maya and my mother-in-law took a bath and put on a new outfits. Then my mother-in-law was cooking up a storm! She made tamarind rice, veg fritters, and carrot halwa. She also prepared Ugadi Pachadi (a special New Year dish that consists of six different tastes: sweet, sour, pungent, bitter, spicy, etc.). They decorated our pooja corner with fresh flowers, and gave an offering of the food she made, including a fruit platter to the Gods. They both did the ashtothram together, which is chanting the 108 names of the God/Goddess. Maya did an offering of akshata and flowers. She was very excited about this and participated fully in the festival.

(Our pooja corner)

(Maya and mother-in-law doing the chanting)

Ugadi is known as "Telugu New Year" and it is symbolic that one must appreciate ALL the experiences in the upcoming year - both good and bad - and make the most of it. I really like the meaning behind this - because as much as we would hope the year ahead would be only good, there will also be some bad too. Some sweet moments and salty moments. Achievements and failures. And you must accept both, be open to both, and also expect a mix of both - because that's just life!

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Do you celebrate Ugadi?

If so, how did you celebrate it?

"Mom, Am I White?"

I knew it would come up some day, some how. I didn't really know what to expect. And sure enough, it happened - we had our first discussion about race. 

It was a hectic day. I was just pulling the car out of the parking lot from Maya's swimming class. We were rushing to school. It was pouring rain. I still had to pick up a sandwich from somewhere for her lunch bag. I was 36 weeks pregnant and exhausted. I was on auto-pilot.

And then came a little voice from the back seat.

"Mom, you have beautiful white skin."

Another funny observation of hers, I thought. And just as I was about to tell her that she also had beautiful skin, she said:

"Mom, am I White?"

And I said to her, simply - "No, you are not. You are white and brown. Because Mommy is white, and Daddy is brown. And you are SO lucky that you get to be both."

And then, silence. We listened to the music on the radio as we drove to school. She thought about what I said. I thought about what I said. I wondered if I should have handled it differently, if I should have told her something else. I wasn't sure. I don't know what it's like to be biracial, but I wanted her to feel proud of who she is. I wanted her to feel lucky that she has two parents who are so different. I wanted her to know that she is both - that she doesn't have to pick one side or the other.

And there it was: our first real conversation about race. It happened so randomly, in passing, with no particular reason why. A child's simple observation and curiosity. Completely out of the blue.

We don't really talk about race in our home. We talk about culture a lot. We talk about similarities and differences. We make an effort to celebrate our differences. We often look at maps together, either in books or puzzles, and point to where Daddy's from, and point to where Mommy's from. On any given day, you can hear 4 languages being spoken in our home.

Maybe it's the age, too. Maya is 4.5 years old now and makes simple remarks about people all the time - noticing similarities and differences. Like, "that lady has a blue umbrella", or "Dad has black hair, but I have brown hair". And now since the baby has joined us, she says "Veda has blue eyes like mommy, and I have brown eyes like Daddy".

When she asked me that day, I thought about the story book we read called "Mixed Me" by Taye Diggs. The story follows a little boy whose Daddy and Mommy have different skin colors. We read the book quite often, but I didn't think she understood it yet. The boy is confident and he says, "I'm a beautiful blend of dark and light. I'm mixed just perfectly, just right"... 

(My two girls - mixed perfectly, just right)

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For those of you who are raising biracial children, what was your first conversation about race?

Best Children's Books About Gardening

It's that time of year where all the flowers start blooming...finally! It has been such a long Winter here and I was simply delighted to see the cherry blossoms come out on our side lane. Living in a cramped concrete urban jungle, I have become increasingly fascinated by gardens and plants as they add such a nice energy to a particular space. Especially after having kids, I notice it a bit more as it's so nice for them to have a green space and to learn how things grow. Learning about gardening teaches them about the environment, where food comes from, how it grows, seasons, and the cycle of life.

Here are my best picks for children's books about gardening:

The Curious Garden, by Peter Brown

(Ages 2-6)
This is a great book by one of our favorite children's book authors, Peter Brown. In this story, a red-haired boy named Liam - who lives in a big city - finds a struggling rooftop garden and tends to it. He works on it little by little and makes his city more beautiful and green.

The Carrot Seed, by Ruth Krauss

(Ages 0-6)
This book is a vintage classic that was originally published in 1945 and has never gone out of style. It's about a little boy who plants a seed, and along with his hopes and dreams and hard work, it grows - despite all the people saying it won't.

The Tiny Seed, by Eric Carle

(Ages 0-6)
This is a colorfully simple book that Eric Carle fans will surely enjoy. The story follows the life cycle of a seed to a plant and it is quite educational.

Two Old Potatoes and Me, by John Coy

(Ages 4-8)
This is a brilliant book that deals with starting over and also putting things to good use by not throwing them away. In the story, the family is dealing with a divorce of the parents' and an uncertain future. The daughter finds two old potatoes and wanted to throw them out until the dad suggests they plant them. It's a nice book about father/daughter bonding, growing your own food, and making new memories when going through difficult times. I loved the fun illustrations in this book as well as the diverse characters.

Flower Garden, by Eve Bunting

(Ages 3-8)
This story is great for city gardeners who don't have much green space (like us!) but still want to enjoy gardening. The story follows a little girl and her dad who purchase a garden box for their window and plant all kinds of bright flowers to surprise the mom on her birthday. This book could be used as a Springtime book or a good one for Mother's Day too.

My Garden, by Kevin Henkes

(Ages 2-6)
This is a fun story about a little girl who uses her imagination to build a magical garden. As her mind wanders, she dreams of planting seashells, and jellybeans to grow candy plants. She doesn't want her garden to have any worms or weeds, either. It's an entertaining book that encourages children to use their imagination and discuss what their own ideal garden would look like.

The Vegetables We Eat, by Gail Gibbons

(Ages 4-8)
This is a wonderfully educational book about all the different types of vegetables. This one would be a good pick for a vegetarian family, or for a child who struggles to eat their vegetables since the author makes the veggies look so lush and tasty. This book has a lot of great vocabulary for kids to learn, as well as cross-sectional diagrams. An excellent teaching book.

Eddie's Garden: and How to Make Things Grow, by Sarah Garland
(Ages 3-6)
This is a lovely book about a little boy who sets out to plant a garden in his backyard. It's a nice family story about growing your own food so that the whole house can enjoy it, and the little sister character that shadows big brother Eddie is really cute and silly. This book also provides a lot of great information at the back about how families can grow their own backyard garden and what tools they will need.

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Do you have a garden? What do you grow in it?

What are some of your favorite story books about gardens?